Just Killing Time

So, I sat here for close to an hour. I wrote this entire blog out, and just complained about everything and anything. But I deleted it all... And all I'm going to say now is, I don't want history to repeat itself... I'm not ok with being used again.

Dear Lover

We spend every night together. It's the single greatest thing I look forward to when the sun goes down. I know that once everyone has faded into the moonlight, and I am sitting alone, you will shortly come and enjoy my company with me. When you finally arrive by my side, whatever happened that day, doesn't matter. Just hearing your voice calms my nervous. The touch of your skin warms my heart.

The last time we were together, our lips touched. And when our lips touched I almost forgot to breath. The greatest time's of my life are when I am with you. I don't know what I would do with you out you, lover. I've known you for years, and you've played a pretty big part of my life for some years now. A dream without you seems unfamiliar. Almost like it wasn't even a dream. There's not a single person I love more then you. But I never seem able to tell you that. Probably because most of the time I am with you, I am speechless. Stuck gazing into your eyes. Getting lost in your words, and getting high from your touch.

The last night we spent together, you disappeared without saying goodbye even before the sun came up. Without a final kiss goodbye. Without a comforting hug to reassure me you will return, you just disappear. And when the sun rises, I find myself laying there cold, and alone wondering when I will see you again. With no way of getting in contact with you, I go through my day wondering how I can let you know I'm still thinking of you, and never forgot you. And when all hope sees to vanish, and loneliness sets in, I close my eyes and then you are there. Your arms wrap around me and it almost brings tears to my eyes.

Just thinking about your touch now, makes me wish I was dreaming just to see you. You are just simply impossible to get out of my head.

Dear Lover. I wish you weren't unknown. I wish you had a name. I wish you had a face. I wish you were more then just a dream. I wish you would become my reality. I wish you were real.

Dear Lover. I wish you were more then just a dream.

Angels And Airwaves And Love.

The biggest thing about Angels And Airwaves is the feelings I get from listening to their music. It just gets inside of me and whenever I close my eyes, I'm floating away and disappearing into another world, going on an adventure. But the biggest feeling I get from listening to Angels And Airwaves, is the feeling of love. And I don't mean like world peace and love thy neighbor, kind of love. I mean LOVE LOVE. I've been with girls in the past. And I used to use the word love like it had no meaning. I would fall in "love" with pretty much any girl who would be with me.

Angels And Airwaves taught me how very wrong I was about that. AVA taught me what love feels like. And I realized I've actually only, truly, loved one person. But that's a different story for another day.

Now, I'm single right now. I'm not in love with any one either. Sometimes I get bummed out about that. I have no one to love, and there's no one to love me back. But that's the thing about AVA... When I listen to them, they bring this feeling of love. I start to get this feeling that some one out there, does in fact love me. Maybe we haven't met yet. Maybe it was some one from my past. Or maybe it's some one around me today. But I get this loving feeling. And when I listen to AVA I know that just because I don't have love now, it doesn't mean I will never have it. Love will come. Love is also all around us. Love comes in all shapes and colors.

Everybody is loved by somebody. And it's up to you to decide if you want to see that love or not. Some people like to take the little things and call them feelings of love. Some people look at the big picture and feel overwhelmed by the amount of love. And some people chose to completely ignore any signs of love around them. Whether they are afraid of it, or just don't want it from those people, they ignore it.

But that's the thing about love. Love cannot be ignored. It's not something that goes away after a night of sleep (Unless you're drunk.). The only way to get rid of love is to kill it, or let it die.

To kill love is a brutal thing. To destroy some one's heart, or even your own. It's not fun for anyone when love is killed. It ruins lives, sometimes even ends them. But some times killing love is the only way to make things better. Love can be a dangerous thing. If you're getting love from the wrong person, it can hold you down. It can isolate you. It can make you stranger. And more commonly, it can change who you are...

To let love die happens all the time. From not speaking up and telling some one how you feel. The love stays inside of you and just sits there. It has no way of escaping. Love needs to be expressed and if you hold it inside of you for too long, nothing will happen. Love must be released, expressed, and heard. If it desn't, it begins to fade away with time.

This is all what I get, from listening to Angels And Airwaves. Angels And Airwaves teaches me that love is inside of everyone. And it's up to you to decide how you want to use it. But that's why AVA is my favorite band. Love is an interesting feeling. It's indescribable. It's powerful. And it's consuming.

So, who do you love? Is it the ones who has your back and the drop of a hat? Is it the ones who make you smile? Or is it something you're not sure about? Does some one have your heart? Are they worthy of having you heart?

Scream At Me Until My Ears Bleed.

Hello readers! It's been a very long time since I wrote a blog and while I was at 7-11 today, something happened and got me to start thinking about a couple of things. Today, I'm gonna write about douche bags, and their luggage. First let me start off by telling you what happened when I was at 7-11.

So, I pulled up and parked my car. I parked as the same time as this couple. They looked to be around my age. They were arguing in the car, with the windows rolled down so it was easy to hear what they were saying. As I was walking past the car, the dude was just bagging on this chick the entire time. Cursing at her and calling her names and all this nasty stuff. It was pretty bad. She was upset because he cheated on her, again. Now, I don't know how many times he did this, but in my eyes once is enough for me to never to speak to you again. But it sounded like cheating was nothing new to this relationship and it was headlining this whole argument.

While I was inside the store, they started to make their way inside. Still arguing as they were walking to the door. While I was walking out, they were in front of the door, slowly making their way inside. So I opened the door and walked out the door. When I walked out, the dude bolted inside the open door and didn't even bother to hold it open for the girl following him inside. So I grabbed the door, and held it open so wouldn't get smacked by it. With tears in her eyes, she turned and looked at me and flashed a big smile and said thanks. They went into the store, and I got into my car and parted ways.

And this got me thinking. Why do women insist on being with assholes?

Now, I don't know this couple, and I didn't hear both sides of the story. She could be a bigger slut then this guy is, but from what I heard I felt pity for this poor girl. She had to be around my age, maybe even a year or two younger. And she was cute as hell. Completely adorable. And I felt so bad for because this guy's actions led a horrible public outbreak. Instead of trying to end the conversation and finishing it out of the view of public eyes and hears, he makes things worse by blaming him cheating, on her. Insisting it's her fault he did it, more then once.

Again, I don't know these people. I don't know if she actually did do something, if she's a huge slut of if she's a nice girl who fell victim to another asshole. But from what I saw, it didn't seem right and I sided with her.

And it just makes me think, why do women stay with men when they know they are asses? When you SEE their are gentlemen out their with your own eyes and decided to stay with trash, totally boggles my mind. Obviously, she was not happy with the situation she was in but it could have easily been avoided if she ended it the first time he cheated.

I know I have no room to make this assumptions about complete strangers, but I am just going off by what I see.

On the other side of the coin, I've been in that situation. I've been in a relationship where my partner treated me like complete shit and I still stayed. I always told myself, it's a phase, it's just another fight and it will all pass and things will go back to normal. But the thing is, if that's what you do with your partner, is just fight, it's not gonna change. That's the type of person they are. If they put you down, they will always put you down because that' how they are.

People do change. But not completely, and usually it's not the things that matter that change. Usually when people change, what changes is habits. People can stop speaking a certain way (slang), or stop smoking, or stop drinking, or wear different clothes. Small things. But the things that are on the inside usually stay the same. Their opinions and how they voice them won't.

Now this doesn't apply to everyone, because I am pretty good example of change. 5 years ago I was a complete idiot (that's not the change), and I've done stupid things. Many stupid things that actually changed my life. These stupid things won't appear again in the future because I've seen how they destroyed things around me and I realized I was hurting myself and other people.

There's really no way to tell if some one has changed unless you REALLY know them. It's easy for some one to say they change, and it's easy to pretend and act like you have changed. But you can only act for so long before those secrets you're hiding, come out and show who you really are.

Alright, now I will sum up what I have just written.

Why do people stay with things that hold them down and treat them poorly and how can you be sure if some one has changed? Think about this things.

Up In The Air.

I think I figured out why I try so hard not to be alone... And the movie Up In The Air helped me realize it... I want to find my co pilot. My planes going, and it's crashing into the first thing that I see, but I want some one to be there with me... I ...don't want this plane to crash by it's self, I want some one to be with who understands why the plane is crashing, and some one who could grab control of the plane and keep it from crashing. I'm a fucking wreck and I need some one to keep me on track. I'm a mess, a drunk, and legally, an alcoholic.

I'm so afraid of being alone being I don't want this train wreck of mine to continue to pile up and become worse... Not only do I want, I need some one to take control and keep me from making an accident into a wreckage... That's why I can't be alone... I'm a wreck and I'm afraid if I don't find some one to help me fix everything, it will get worse... I need a co pilot take control of this plane before it crashes.

I'm That Type Of Guy.

I'm the type of guy that will turn up his radio, not only to prevent others from hearing his screams, but to prevent himself from hearing them too. I'm the type of guy who keeps everything inside because he can't trust anyone anymore, for he has been hurt too severely too often in the past. I'm the type of guy who looks, but never pursues. The one who's always quiet, in the corner, watching as others make total and complete fools of themselves. I'm the type of guy who, once I know you, will help you through anything, even if I don't like you. The type of guy who doesn't like to see people hurt, even though he's hurting so much on the inside. I'm the type of guy that can make your day when I talk, or smile because the only way I can survive is to see the smiles on other faces. I'm the type of guy that never got good grades, because I didn't care. The type of guy who will do any dare, just for the rare thrill. I'm the type of guy that is numb inside, but wear a smile just so people don't see the pain I hide. I'm the type of guy you can trust with anything, even if I don't trust myself. Any secret will never be told

I'm the type of guy who hates to get lost in though, for he is afraid of memories. I'm the type of guy who likes to do things by myself. I'm the type of guy that is hard, emotionless, hardhearted, apathetic... but doesn't let it show. I'm your "normal" guy on the outside, but "not-so-normal" one on the inside. I'm the type of guy that collects love quotes and sad, touching quotes, just for fun.

I'm just me....That's the type of guy I am.

Atom Willards Voice Mail

So today, while I was at work. I got a very special phone call... Sadly, I didn't get to talk to Atom Willard. He did leave me a voice mail though, wishing me a happy birthday. I recorded the voice mail for everyone to hear. Because I'm proud. Because Atom Willard called me. Not you.

Happy Birthday To Me

So for those of you that don't know me, my birthday is tomorrow. May 19th. I haven't really asked for much this year. There's not much I wanted. I got money to go to L.A. Noire's Midnight release this week. Sick game by the way. But any way. So yeah, my birthday is coming up and to be honest I really do not know what to except. Ofcourse, it can't be as bad as last years birthday. What happened you ask? Nothing. Well... I did do something. I spent the entire day fighting with the girl I was "with." There was no celebration, or party or anything. Just spend the entire day fighting.

But ofcourse, it wasn't all that bad. I did get an email that changed alot of things for me as well. And old friend who I haven't talked in a couple of years sent me an email, wishing me a Happy birthday. Ofcourse, this is what most of the fighting was about. The girl I was "with" hated it when I talked to other females. But ofcourse, she was an awesome friend of mine and I wasn't going to ignore her because one person didn't like her. So, after a days worth of fighting, on my birthday, I decided to call this long lost friend and see if she could save my birthday from total disaster. We met up at a bar, caught up on things with the past,and stayed in contact ever since then.

But yeah, that was last years birthday. This year I really do not know what to except, but this is what I know is happening.

Thursday, the actual day of my birthday, will be spent at my local bar playing trivia and getting hammered. My usual Thursday night. Oh, I also have work the morning of my birthday. Friday, I will have work in the morning as well. Then after work my Dad and I are going out for a birthday dinner. Probably at TGI Fridays. Saturday I have no idea what's happening. I was just told not to make plans that night, so I'm pretty sure something is happening that night. Sunday is a family dinner with my aunts and uncles and grandparents, and ofcourse Mom.

And, to top it all off, Atom Willard from Angels And Airwaves emailed me today asking for my cell phone number. I was talking to him a couple of days ago in a live video chat at AngelsandAirwaves.com. It's usually what they do to keep in touch with their fans. Just joking I told him I wanted to drink with him. He told me if I could send him proof that the 19th is actually my birthday, he would consider meeting up with me for a drink. I got an email from him today and he was asking for my cell phone number. So now I'm just sitting around waiting to hear from him to see when and where he wants to meet up for my birthday.

So yeah. That's my birthday plans for this year.

Frustration Settles In.

These past couple of days have been a very frustrating couple of days for me. It's just those moments where nothing seems to work out in your favor. I have people who won't talk to me, and won't tell me why they won't talk to me. That's one thing that I cannot stand. If there's something wrong and you refuse to talk it out with me. Problems won't get fixed if you ignore them. And then I don't understand how you can turn around and be mad at me because you won't even give me the chance to fix what ever is wrong. How am I supposed to know anything is wrong if you won't tell me anything is wrong and how am I supposed to fix it if you won't even give me the time to fix it. But that's just one thing.... And it's not happening with one person. There are several people involved in this. Some are minor things, and some are major.... Or atleast, I assume since no one wants to fill me in.

And, on another note, I'm pretty sure I've destroyed an amazing friendship with a friend. Not too long ago I said somethings to this person... Somethings I now realize should have never been said because now things have been destroyed, and I don't see them getting fixed any time soon. I didn't even say anything hurtful. The only thing I did was let my true feelings come out and it got completely shot down. Yes, I was down and out for awhile, being hurt what not, but what normal human being wouldn't be hurt when they tell some one how much they love them and the other person can only say no. Points were made very clear that the past is gone and most likely never even existed to the other person. But I moved on from that. I'm over it, and I'm moving on.

This is exactly what I was afraid of happening. The complete opposite of what I wanted. All I wanted to do was get closer to this person, and here I am getting farther and farther away from them each day. It's one of those things where there's nothing I can do about it either.

To be honest, the one thing I have learned from this situation is to never tell some one EXACTLY how you feel. If you have feelings for some one, just tell them alittle bit of it and see what happens. If you get accepted, awesome tell them alittle more. If you get shot down, your friendship won't be destroyed because of the feelings you.

Breathe...

To love some one who doesn't love you back is kinda like being awake during surgery. There's nothing you can do, but to lay there and take the pain until it's over. You can't stop it, and you can't make it go away. The best you can do it just pray that it will be over before you know it.

Some people would probably question me about the situation that I am currently in. If I were to explain it to anyone outside of the circle, I'd probably receive a weird look from them. But to be honest, I don't think I would change a thing.

In my younger years, I've done some stupid things. But nothing that I regret doing. Everything that I've done in my past has made me who I am today. And honestly, I really enjoy the person that I am today. Sure, I can be an asshole. I can be emotional. I can be brutally honest, and I can be I lair. But, I am me. And I am willing to put money down that you will never find another person who is like me. Whether that is a good thing, or a bad thing, I haven't decided. I can the listening ear that people need. I'm usually pretty good at giving advice and I am completely horrible at listening to my own words, and taking others people advice. When it comes to my problems, I usually tend to ignore other people, and continue to believe that things will work out in my favor. Most of the time, it ends works out for me. That's just the kind of luck I have.

But that's what I'm writing this blog about. I'm here to stay that I am standing my ground and crossing my fingers in hopes that maybe once, things will work out in my favor. Call me crazy or whatever you will because it seems to me that I am seeing something that no one else is.

But I'm standing my ground because it's what I want. I am willing to go through whatever pain comes my way, and I willing to go through and argument it may bring. I'm willing to go through anything it takes. There's nothing I've really wanted more then this goal... And it even surprises me that I will fight this hard for it. I don't think I've ever been this stubborn about anything else. But I guess that's part of what I'm feeling.

Then, on the other side of the coin, there is only so much that I can do. This isn't a mission that I can do alone. If it's not accepted by other people, not only does it make it harder on my end, but it can make it impossible to actually complete. But if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And I would rather fail with knowing that I've tried and it didn't work out, instead of sitting on the sidelines watching, and wondering what could have happened.... Who knows how long it could it, assuming that it would....

If things stay the same, I would go along with the road that says it wouldn't work. But to be honest, that' not that road I want to take, so that's the road I refuse to even look down. In my eyes it doesn't exist....

That's the beauty of love... You can't control it. You don't know where it takes you, and you can't fight it. Once it's there, it's not easy to get rid of. It's impossible to wake up and just say it's gone.

And on the other side of the coin (yes this is a three sided coin, big deal want to fight about it?), That's also what is making me think it's not going to work out. Because it's there. But it's there for some one else. And I know what it's like to suffer and watch it go to some one who's not you. It makes you want it more, and it can also break you down.

Love is a game changer. You don't get to decide who get's to win and who get's to lose. The only thing you can do, is go out, try your hardest and hope you win. To not try is pointless. The more pain you go through, the better the victory it will be.

This is a victory I want, more then anything...And I want to do anything to get it. But the question I am facing now, is will I try to get it. Can I change the mind of another person? Can I change the lives of mine and the other?

I can't answer any thing. The only thing I can do, is never stop loving. And that's what I will do. I will never stop loving. Because I never did.

To Dream To Feel.

I stood in the moonlight, looking at her silhouette with the city’s skyline behind her. She turned to look at me with a smile on her face. When she turned, time seemed to slow down. Everything went quiet, And my heart began to race. My palms began to sweat, and my breathing increased. She looked into my eyes, and I lost my breath. Butterflies began to fill my stomach with every step she took towards me. Before I knew it, she was standing right in front of me. Her hands were playing with my belt loops, and she began to wrap her arms around my waist. She pulled me in close, and she pulled me in tight. She buried her head into my chest. I think she could hear my heartbeat because she began to giggle.

“Relax,” she said. “Why are you so nervous?”
For a moment I paused and didn’t know how to respond. Then finally it all came out. “I can’t help but to be nervous around you. Every time I see you, the butterflies begin to go crazy. Every day I see you, I feel like a school boy whose crush talked to him for the first time. It’s been years, but I still get nervous just looking at you. To look into your eyes is like looking into heaven. To hear the words you speak is like listening to an angel sing. To see you cry is like feeling a part of me has died. To feel the feeling of love towards you, is like feeling heaven is here on earth. With me. To be with you is to know that there’s nothing to worry about.”
Things got quiet. I felt I said something I shouldn’t have. For a split second, she looked up at me and the moon filled her eyes. I noticed she had a tear drop from one of them. I put my hands on her face, and wipe away her tears with my thumbs. No words were spoken. For a moment, we just looked at each other, staring into each other’s eyes. And finally it happened. She pulled herself into my face and her lips touched my lips. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I felt her pull me in and she pressed herself up against my body.
Then I heard a loud noise. It was my alarm clock. Then I woke up. Laying in bed. Staring at the ceiling. I thought to myself “In your dreams.” Rolled over and stared at my clock. Dragged myself out of my bed and forced myself to go through the day as if the dream never happened. But never forgetting the feelings I felt in that dream, in hopes one day the dream would become a reality, and those feelings would return to me.

Untitled

The plane's already landed. The passengers sitting next to me are starring without trying to be obvious. I noticed I was now covered in sweat. My hands were shaking and my legs were wobbly. I stumbled as I raced towards the nearest bathroom once we got off the plane. Knocking some people and bags over, I finally made it. I kicked one of the the stalls open and as soon as my eyes made contact with the toilet, I began to vomit. I managed to make most of it into the toilet, without making too much of a mess. Once I finished and I caught my breath, I flushed it all away and sat down on the seat. I starred at the ceiling, breathing heavily. The only thing I could manage to say was "What the fuck... Am I doing..." Before I knew it, my eyes were overflowing with tears and I began to sob. I cried like an only child who just lost his mother.

After a couple of moments, some one was knocking on the stall asking if I was ok. I tried to just make up some stupid joke about hating to fly, but I think it just came out as mumbles and gasps for air. I did manage to choke up "I'm fine." I pulled myself together, walked out of the stall and up to the sink. I washed my hands, and splashed cold water on my face. I looked up into the mirror and realized how much of a mess I really looked like. My eyes had bags under them so big, they could have been my check on baggage. I shook my head and watched the water dance down the drain. I turned the water off and looked back up into the mirror. What I saw in the mirror almost gave me a heart attack.

I looked up and in the mirror, Eva was standing right behind me. I turned around yelling in horror at what I saw, only to see confused travelers looking back at me. I raced out of the bathroom and went to meet up with the rest of the group, before I was left behind.

I found the other new recruits, and they all looked at me with confusion.

"You ok? You look like you've just seen a ghost," one of the quietly asked me.

I pulled my strength together and tried to pretend what I saw didn't happen and said, "Yeah, I'm fine. It just finally hit me that I really joined the Navy. I just can't believe that I'm really in Chicago, headed to boot camp in a couple of minutes."

Love

Love is a powerful word that is thrown around too easy these days. Most of the people who use the word love don't even know what it means. To most people, love is when you find that person that you can tell all your secrets to. Some one you can be yourself around. Some one who makes you smile when just by walking into the room. I bet you're all thinking of some one right now who makes you feel all these feelings. You've got that name stuck in the back of your head, and you could be smiling just thinking about this person. But the truth is, there is probably a very good chance that you don't even love this person but you don't know it yet. Love is deeper then that. Love is deeper then feelings, and smiles and conversations. Love is a way of life.

So you're now probably asking, well how do you know when your in love. I want to say, that you just do know.... But half the people don't know it. It just happens. Just one day, you wake up and you look at the other person. You look at them in their eyes, and get lost. And when they look at yours, and you're staring at eachother in the eyes, just getting lost. The world stops, and nothing matters. And you feel nothing, but this feeling that overcomes you and the smallest thing they do can bring you to your knees. It's when you wake up and you suddenly realize that your world does not revolve around you. It's when you get butterflies from just thinking about them. And you lose your breath from the scent of them and your body goes numb from the touch of them. And it's when they say your name and you realize that an angel can't even make you feel this.... Amazing.

I tried my best but love cannot be describe. Everyone has their own description of what love is to them. And some people fake love with hopes it turns into something real. And some people can't help it but to feel like this with everyone they talk to. Pretty boy/girl walks past they see a future with them.

But it doesn't matter what love feels like. What matters is if you finding out if you truly are in love.

And there's only one way to find out if you are in love or not. And it doesn't come from your friends and family. Who gives a fuck what your childhood friend, your mom or your dad has to say about YOUR feelings. Fuck them, they cannot tell you you are in love. There's only one thing in this entire world that can tell you if you truly are in love. It's the one thing most people do not pay attention and it gets ignored ALOT. There's only one way you can know if you are truly in love. And the best part is if you use this thing, it WILL give you instant results. You will know right off the bat what the answer is when you ask.

Do you know what you have to do, to find out if you're in love?

Ask your heart.

Your heart is the only thing that can tell you if you are in love. No one else.

Ask your heart.

Nice Guys Finish Last

So, for those of you that don't know what happened, I recently got jumped walking home from my local bar. I was around 11:30, I think... I was walking by myself when these dudes walked up to me. I was stressed out beyond belief, so I asked them for a cigarette. Yes, I know, I quit smoking. It's been 8 weeks. But I was stressed and drunk so it sounded like a good idea. They gave me one, and demanded I give them weed for the cigarette. I don't smoke weed, so I didn't have any. They didn't like the idea of not getting anything in return. One of the guys stepped up and got into my face threatening to whoop my ass and kept saying I thought he was stupid. While guy one was in my face, the other guy pushed me from behind. I stumbled forward and as I was stumbling forward, guy one threw a punch. There was a moment where it felt like time stopped and I wasn't sure what happened. Then there just started wailing on me. I don't know how many blows to the head I took. I think this all happened in a matter of like 5 seconds. But it felt like it lasted for 5 hours.

They eventually just walked away throwing insults at me. I kinda just sat there for a second and wasn't quit sure what happened. Then it clicked. I just got my ass kicked.

So, I'm sitting here now with a swollen eye and a fat shiner.

I got me thinking... What the fuck did I do so wrong? I mean, like what does bad shit happen to me? I try my best to be the best person that I can be. I look out for my friends and family and I'm working on turning my life around and being a better person and literally out of no where, this happens. Why did I have to get my ass kicked? I never did anything to anyone. Sure, I may lose my temper some times but who doesn't?

If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason for my beating?

The Adventure

Picture yourself standing ontop of a cliff. Looking down below you, waves from the ocean are crashing... Clouds have rolled in and covered the sky. You can't tell where the ocean ends. The sun is trying it's hardest to warm the skin on your face as it slowly begins to set. To your left, you see a flag pole with a torn flag gently blowing in the wind. To your right, there's an empty cabin, looking at the sun set with you. You turn around and see a forest. The sky behind you is dark, and the stars are one by one, begining to shine. You look back at the ocean. The sky is still lit up, but the sun is gone.

Rain slowly begins to fall down. You close your eyes, and tilt your head up to the sky. The cold rain drops on your face and you exhale the cool smell of rain into your lungs. You get chills and a cool breeze gently pushes you towards to edge of the cliff. You extend your arms out from your sides, as if your were trying to reach the flag pole to your left and the cabin to your right. One more deep breath inside and you take one step closer to the edge. The wind picks up, you get more chills. You open your eyes and look back out into the ocean. The sky is now dark. the sun has disppeared and you see lights out in the distant from ships.

You take another step closer to the edge, the clouds begin to clear more and more. The stars are starting to show, and look down on you. You take another step forward. You're so close to the edge, your toes are hanging off the ledge. You can feel tiny rocks slide out from under your feet. You take one last breath in. You hold it for a moment. A gust of wind pushes you and you are now falling. The ocean gets closer and closer with every second. You close your eyes.

You fill the wind pick up, faster and faster. You can hear nothing at this point, except the wind flying past you. Your eyes are closed as tight as they can be. You're breathing heavy. You realize you've been falling for far too long. Open your eyes and realize you are not falling. You are flying. You suddenly feel very warm, and let out a giant smile. You can't help but to start laughing. You laugh harder and harder and louder and louder. You begin to dance and you quickly fly over the ocean. Dipping your fingers into the sea and the creatures under water watching zip past them with lightning like speeds.

A light in the distance catches your eye. You focus on the light, and with all your might, bring your self into it's direction. You continue to dance over the ocean as the light gets brighter and brighter. You now realize this one light has broken into many smaller lights.

Where Was Mine?

So, a couple of days ago I was at my local bar, drinking and having a good time. Everything was going great. I was happy, I had a beer, a big smile on my face and surrounded by my friends. In a matter of seconds, my smile was wiped off my face and I was filled with rage. I suddenly became angry. Ready to snap. 2 Marines came walking into the bar with their family. The bartender was feeding the Marines and their families free drinks because these two men, not a couple months older then me, just came home from a tour in Iraq. They were celebrating. They survived a war and made it home in one piece. They watched men die in front of them and probably killed some in the process.

How in the world can anyone be mad at something like this you ask? I tried to come up with lies to cover up the real reason. I tried to convince myself that these boys were boasting about what they have done. I tried to convince myself it was just a game to them. A game they won at. I tried to convince myself that they didn't take what they just did seriously. That wasn't true. It wasn't until now, I finally realized why I was so upset. I figured out when I was angry to see men my own age engage the entire bar into their celebration of making it home. I was angry because I never had that.

I got nothing.

When I got out of the Navy, I drove over 3,000 miles in 3 1/2 days. I slept in the back seat of car in truck stops in random states through out the country. Cramped in the back seat of my car, curled up in a little ball, under a jacket that was being used as a blanket, I was laying there knowing I was going to be home soon.

I finally arrived home. I pulled up to the front of my house. I put my car in park and I stared at my front door. I saw my dad come out to greet me. Leaving my things in the car, I got out and greeted him too. We hugged eachother and even cried alittle. Talked about how much we missed eachother and said how glad we both were that I was finally home. And that was it. Soon after I got home, he left for work.

I drove 3,000 miles after a couple of years of being cross country, and months of being at sea.... To sit in an empty house all alone. And that was my welcome home.

After unpacking my things from my car, and greeting my pets, I called friend from down the street and told him I was home for good. We came over, we smoked weed then went into my house and played Xbox. That was my welcoming party.

Tonight, I realized that I was upset with those men at the bar, not because they were proud of what the accomplished... Because any human being would be. And any human being should be. I was upset because no one celebrated when I returned home. There was no party. There was no gathering. No free drinks, loud cheering, no one told me how proud of me they were. It was me, sitting alone in an empty house.

After that, it was like I never left home. Things carried on as if I never left. Sure people asked questions. But when I tried to share stories, it was like no one cared. No one celebrated my arrival home. And no one wanted to hear what happened.

I think about the Navy everyday. Wondering if I should still be in. Or wondering if getting out was really the right idea. Sometimes I wonder if I should have ever come home.

Now please, do not get me wrong. I am super glad to be home and I love all of my friends to death. I don't know what I would be doing with out them right now. I feel lucky to see my friends on a daily basis, and I feel lucky to have the friends around that I do. I know my friends love and care for me. I know this because I see it every day. When I talk to them and just by being around them.

But sometimes I wonder.... What if I stayed in? If I stayed in, would I have had a celebration? Even when I came home on leave, there was no going away party for me. There was just goodbyes. There was no welcome home party when I was on leave or even when I got out. There was greetings and there was goodbyes.

There was no celebration. There was nothing. And that's why I was pissed off at the Marines. Because they walked into my bar and had what I wanted so badly and threw it in my face.

I just wanted to hear my friends and family tell me how proud of me they are and I wanted celebration of my arrival home.

Sometimes, you don't always get what you wish for. Life goes on.

Neglected?

I feel like I've totally ignored this blog. I think I'm going to start posting a song of the day here.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I've had nothing to say these past couple of days. Alot has been happening. And I mean ALOT. I wish I could say what's been going on, but it's alittle bit private. I think I can count on one hand the people who know everything that's going on.

But enough of that. Christmas time is coming, and it's coming quick. I have to figure out how I'm going to get Christmas gifts this year.... Money's running out and it looks like nothing's coming in for who knows how long.

I've applied to over 10 different places and not a single place has called me back. No one wants to hire me because I have no experience. I have no experience because no one will hire me. It's a pretty vicious circle that never ends.

It's like, as soon as I'm able to finally take a breath, something knocks the wind back out of me. It's beginning to become a real pain in the ass. But hey, isn't that what life is? Just a big pain in the ass. I know things will turn around, and I'm hoping that it's gonna be soon. It's just one of those feelings you have when you know something's going to happen, but you just don't know what, or when...

Well, fingers crossed to hoping that something good happens and happens soon.

Bye, I'm going to go back to watching Whip It. Ellen Page doesn't know it, but we are going to get married sometime soon. Maybe that's the good feeling I'm having.

Peace and love and all that shitty Christmas saying stuff to make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Love Dann.

Don't Worry,Be Happy

I love this time of year. Thanksgiving and Christmas time. Christmas is my favorite time of the year and Thanksgiving is awesome because it gets everyone in that mind set of being with family and friends and all that warm fuzzing feeling stuff. I love it when peace and love are in the air. Even though it's cold outside, it's always a good feeling when it's this time of year.

I just wanted to come on here and tell everyone to enjoy the holidays, smile alittle bigger and be thankful for everything you have now. Because it could always be worse. So be glad you have a family that loves you, friends that look out for you, a warm roof over your head and hot food on your table. Let's all enjoy this time of the year. Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas everyone!

I Don't Trust You

Fuck it, it's not worth it. And no, this was not about you. I reread this and decided to delete it.

Enage Insomnia.....NOW!

This is really starting to get out of hand... I'm trying so hard to turn my life around and become a better person then the one who I used to be. I've taken all these steps in life to move up higher, but I knew something would come around to take me back down to rock bottom. For once I just want a fucking break and to stop pulling the hairs out of my head.

I want to go to bed before 2AM. I want to get more the 5 hours of sleep at night. I'm getting tired of looking over my shoulder whenever I leave my house, and I'm getting sick of watching my review mirror. I hate of having that fear of nothing being able to go home at the end of the day. I hate being paranoid whenever some one comes to my door and think "this is it."

This was not my fault what so ever but I'm paying for it now. I'm getting punished for something I didn't do. I seriously thought this stupid bullshit was over with and I was finally going to have nothing to stress over. Even just hearing a car drive down the street grabs my attention. I hate this. I just want a fucking normal life. Most 22 year old kids don't have to deal with the shit that I have to go through. Like seriously, I thought everything was great. I've been job hunting, stopped smoking, treated my friends better, treated my family better, controlled my anger even with the lack of nicotine. All of my bills are paid for for the rest of the year. Things were going great. I thought I could finally sleep at night and not toss and turn and stare into the darkness for hours.

Sometimes I think of just jumping shit and leaving town. Sometimes I just want to pack my shit up, throw it all into the trunk of my car, get onto the freeway and drive. Just to go. I gave up that dream though, to make everything better. I could have usually used that money to take a train halfway across the country. But I used it all to pay my bills and help around the house. I stopped thinking about what I wanted to do and focused on what I needed to do.

It's like, I have always have this constant thought floating around my head, always over powering my conscience just telling me "you fucked up."

It's that it's always been. My entire life. I do something good and it get canceled out by something bad.

Honestly, if I wasn't so far from the California boarder, I'd probably be spending the weekend at some hotel out of state. Just to clear my head, to be away from my problems and to think things through. I'd have to prepare myself for the next couple of days, because honestly I do not know what is about to happen to me in the next, what... 48 hours? Things are about to get interesting. For good or bad, something is about to happen.

And for those of you thinking I'm going to do something stupid like hurt myself or anything even close to that, tell me your first and last name so I can remove all contact with you for being so fucking stupid.