Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Just Killing Time

So, I sat here for close to an hour. I wrote this entire blog out, and just complained about everything and anything. But I deleted it all... And all I'm going to say now is, I don't want history to repeat itself... I'm not ok with being used again.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Dear Lover

We spend every night together. It's the single greatest thing I look forward to when the sun goes down. I know that once everyone has faded into the moonlight, and I am sitting alone, you will shortly come and enjoy my company with me. When you finally arrive by my side, whatever happened that day, doesn't matter. Just hearing your voice calms my nervous. The touch of your skin warms my heart.

The last time we were together, our lips touched. And when our lips touched I almost forgot to breath. The greatest time's of my life are when I am with you. I don't know what I would do with you out you, lover. I've known you for years, and you've played a pretty big part of my life for some years now. A dream without you seems unfamiliar. Almost like it wasn't even a dream. There's not a single person I love more then you. But I never seem able to tell you that. Probably because most of the time I am with you, I am speechless. Stuck gazing into your eyes. Getting lost in your words, and getting high from your touch.

The last night we spent together, you disappeared without saying goodbye even before the sun came up. Without a final kiss goodbye. Without a comforting hug to reassure me you will return, you just disappear. And when the sun rises, I find myself laying there cold, and alone wondering when I will see you again. With no way of getting in contact with you, I go through my day wondering how I can let you know I'm still thinking of you, and never forgot you. And when all hope sees to vanish, and loneliness sets in, I close my eyes and then you are there. Your arms wrap around me and it almost brings tears to my eyes.

Just thinking about your touch now, makes me wish I was dreaming just to see you. You are just simply impossible to get out of my head.

Dear Lover. I wish you weren't unknown. I wish you had a name. I wish you had a face. I wish you were more then just a dream. I wish you would become my reality. I wish you were real.

Dear Lover. I wish you were more then just a dream.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Angels And Airwaves And Love.

The biggest thing about Angels And Airwaves is the feelings I get from listening to their music. It just gets inside of me and whenever I close my eyes, I'm floating away and disappearing into another world, going on an adventure. But the biggest feeling I get from listening to Angels And Airwaves, is the feeling of love. And I don't mean like world peace and love thy neighbor, kind of love. I mean LOVE LOVE. I've been with girls in the past. And I used to use the word love like it had no meaning. I would fall in "love" with pretty much any girl who would be with me.

Angels And Airwaves taught me how very wrong I was about that. AVA taught me what love feels like. And I realized I've actually only, truly, loved one person. But that's a different story for another day.

Now, I'm single right now. I'm not in love with any one either. Sometimes I get bummed out about that. I have no one to love, and there's no one to love me back. But that's the thing about AVA... When I listen to them, they bring this feeling of love. I start to get this feeling that some one out there, does in fact love me. Maybe we haven't met yet. Maybe it was some one from my past. Or maybe it's some one around me today. But I get this loving feeling. And when I listen to AVA I know that just because I don't have love now, it doesn't mean I will never have it. Love will come. Love is also all around us. Love comes in all shapes and colors.

Everybody is loved by somebody. And it's up to you to decide if you want to see that love or not. Some people like to take the little things and call them feelings of love. Some people look at the big picture and feel overwhelmed by the amount of love. And some people chose to completely ignore any signs of love around them. Whether they are afraid of it, or just don't want it from those people, they ignore it.

But that's the thing about love. Love cannot be ignored. It's not something that goes away after a night of sleep (Unless you're drunk.). The only way to get rid of love is to kill it, or let it die.

To kill love is a brutal thing. To destroy some one's heart, or even your own. It's not fun for anyone when love is killed. It ruins lives, sometimes even ends them. But some times killing love is the only way to make things better. Love can be a dangerous thing. If you're getting love from the wrong person, it can hold you down. It can isolate you. It can make you stranger. And more commonly, it can change who you are...

To let love die happens all the time. From not speaking up and telling some one how you feel. The love stays inside of you and just sits there. It has no way of escaping. Love needs to be expressed and if you hold it inside of you for too long, nothing will happen. Love must be released, expressed, and heard. If it desn't, it begins to fade away with time.

This is all what I get, from listening to Angels And Airwaves. Angels And Airwaves teaches me that love is inside of everyone. And it's up to you to decide how you want to use it. But that's why AVA is my favorite band. Love is an interesting feeling. It's indescribable. It's powerful. And it's consuming.

So, who do you love? Is it the ones who has your back and the drop of a hat? Is it the ones who make you smile? Or is it something you're not sure about? Does some one have your heart? Are they worthy of having you heart?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Scream At Me Until My Ears Bleed.

Hello readers! It's been a very long time since I wrote a blog and while I was at 7-11 today, something happened and got me to start thinking about a couple of things. Today, I'm gonna write about douche bags, and their luggage. First let me start off by telling you what happened when I was at 7-11.

So, I pulled up and parked my car. I parked as the same time as this couple. They looked to be around my age. They were arguing in the car, with the windows rolled down so it was easy to hear what they were saying. As I was walking past the car, the dude was just bagging on this chick the entire time. Cursing at her and calling her names and all this nasty stuff. It was pretty bad. She was upset because he cheated on her, again. Now, I don't know how many times he did this, but in my eyes once is enough for me to never to speak to you again. But it sounded like cheating was nothing new to this relationship and it was headlining this whole argument.

While I was inside the store, they started to make their way inside. Still arguing as they were walking to the door. While I was walking out, they were in front of the door, slowly making their way inside. So I opened the door and walked out the door. When I walked out, the dude bolted inside the open door and didn't even bother to hold it open for the girl following him inside. So I grabbed the door, and held it open so wouldn't get smacked by it. With tears in her eyes, she turned and looked at me and flashed a big smile and said thanks. They went into the store, and I got into my car and parted ways.

And this got me thinking. Why do women insist on being with assholes?

Now, I don't know this couple, and I didn't hear both sides of the story. She could be a bigger slut then this guy is, but from what I heard I felt pity for this poor girl. She had to be around my age, maybe even a year or two younger. And she was cute as hell. Completely adorable. And I felt so bad for because this guy's actions led a horrible public outbreak. Instead of trying to end the conversation and finishing it out of the view of public eyes and hears, he makes things worse by blaming him cheating, on her. Insisting it's her fault he did it, more then once.

Again, I don't know these people. I don't know if she actually did do something, if she's a huge slut of if she's a nice girl who fell victim to another asshole. But from what I saw, it didn't seem right and I sided with her.

And it just makes me think, why do women stay with men when they know they are asses? When you SEE their are gentlemen out their with your own eyes and decided to stay with trash, totally boggles my mind. Obviously, she was not happy with the situation she was in but it could have easily been avoided if she ended it the first time he cheated.

I know I have no room to make this assumptions about complete strangers, but I am just going off by what I see.

On the other side of the coin, I've been in that situation. I've been in a relationship where my partner treated me like complete shit and I still stayed. I always told myself, it's a phase, it's just another fight and it will all pass and things will go back to normal. But the thing is, if that's what you do with your partner, is just fight, it's not gonna change. That's the type of person they are. If they put you down, they will always put you down because that' how they are.

People do change. But not completely, and usually it's not the things that matter that change. Usually when people change, what changes is habits. People can stop speaking a certain way (slang), or stop smoking, or stop drinking, or wear different clothes. Small things. But the things that are on the inside usually stay the same. Their opinions and how they voice them won't.

Now this doesn't apply to everyone, because I am pretty good example of change. 5 years ago I was a complete idiot (that's not the change), and I've done stupid things. Many stupid things that actually changed my life. These stupid things won't appear again in the future because I've seen how they destroyed things around me and I realized I was hurting myself and other people.

There's really no way to tell if some one has changed unless you REALLY know them. It's easy for some one to say they change, and it's easy to pretend and act like you have changed. But you can only act for so long before those secrets you're hiding, come out and show who you really are.

Alright, now I will sum up what I have just written.

Why do people stay with things that hold them down and treat them poorly and how can you be sure if some one has changed? Think about this things.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Up In The Air.

I think I figured out why I try so hard not to be alone... And the movie Up In The Air helped me realize it... I want to find my co pilot. My planes going, and it's crashing into the first thing that I see, but I want some one to be there with me... I ...don't want this plane to crash by it's self, I want some one to be with who understands why the plane is crashing, and some one who could grab control of the plane and keep it from crashing. I'm a fucking wreck and I need some one to keep me on track. I'm a mess, a drunk, and legally, an alcoholic.

I'm so afraid of being alone being I don't want this train wreck of mine to continue to pile up and become worse... Not only do I want, I need some one to take control and keep me from making an accident into a wreckage... That's why I can't be alone... I'm a wreck and I'm afraid if I don't find some one to help me fix everything, it will get worse... I need a co pilot take control of this plane before it crashes.

I'm That Type Of Guy.

I'm the type of guy that will turn up his radio, not only to prevent others from hearing his screams, but to prevent himself from hearing them too. I'm the type of guy who keeps everything inside because he can't trust anyone anymore, for he has been hurt too severely too often in the past. I'm the type of guy who looks, but never pursues. The one who's always quiet, in the corner, watching as others make total and complete fools of themselves. I'm the type of guy who, once I know you, will help you through anything, even if I don't like you. The type of guy who doesn't like to see people hurt, even though he's hurting so much on the inside. I'm the type of guy that can make your day when I talk, or smile because the only way I can survive is to see the smiles on other faces. I'm the type of guy that never got good grades, because I didn't care. The type of guy who will do any dare, just for the rare thrill. I'm the type of guy that is numb inside, but wear a smile just so people don't see the pain I hide. I'm the type of guy you can trust with anything, even if I don't trust myself. Any secret will never be told

I'm the type of guy who hates to get lost in though, for he is afraid of memories. I'm the type of guy who likes to do things by myself. I'm the type of guy that is hard, emotionless, hardhearted, apathetic... but doesn't let it show. I'm your "normal" guy on the outside, but "not-so-normal" one on the inside. I'm the type of guy that collects love quotes and sad, touching quotes, just for fun.

I'm just me....That's the type of guy I am.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Atom Willards Voice Mail

So today, while I was at work. I got a very special phone call... Sadly, I didn't get to talk to Atom Willard. He did leave me a voice mail though, wishing me a happy birthday. I recorded the voice mail for everyone to hear. Because I'm proud. Because Atom Willard called me. Not you.