Up In The Air.

I think I figured out why I try so hard not to be alone... And the movie Up In The Air helped me realize it... I want to find my co pilot. My planes going, and it's crashing into the first thing that I see, but I want some one to be there with me... I ...don't want this plane to crash by it's self, I want some one to be with who understands why the plane is crashing, and some one who could grab control of the plane and keep it from crashing. I'm a fucking wreck and I need some one to keep me on track. I'm a mess, a drunk, and legally, an alcoholic.

I'm so afraid of being alone being I don't want this train wreck of mine to continue to pile up and become worse... Not only do I want, I need some one to take control and keep me from making an accident into a wreckage... That's why I can't be alone... I'm a wreck and I'm afraid if I don't find some one to help me fix everything, it will get worse... I need a co pilot take control of this plane before it crashes.

I'm That Type Of Guy.

I'm the type of guy that will turn up his radio, not only to prevent others from hearing his screams, but to prevent himself from hearing them too. I'm the type of guy who keeps everything inside because he can't trust anyone anymore, for he has been hurt too severely too often in the past. I'm the type of guy who looks, but never pursues. The one who's always quiet, in the corner, watching as others make total and complete fools of themselves. I'm the type of guy who, once I know you, will help you through anything, even if I don't like you. The type of guy who doesn't like to see people hurt, even though he's hurting so much on the inside. I'm the type of guy that can make your day when I talk, or smile because the only way I can survive is to see the smiles on other faces. I'm the type of guy that never got good grades, because I didn't care. The type of guy who will do any dare, just for the rare thrill. I'm the type of guy that is numb inside, but wear a smile just so people don't see the pain I hide. I'm the type of guy you can trust with anything, even if I don't trust myself. Any secret will never be told

I'm the type of guy who hates to get lost in though, for he is afraid of memories. I'm the type of guy who likes to do things by myself. I'm the type of guy that is hard, emotionless, hardhearted, apathetic... but doesn't let it show. I'm your "normal" guy on the outside, but "not-so-normal" one on the inside. I'm the type of guy that collects love quotes and sad, touching quotes, just for fun.

I'm just me....That's the type of guy I am.

Atom Willards Voice Mail

So today, while I was at work. I got a very special phone call... Sadly, I didn't get to talk to Atom Willard. He did leave me a voice mail though, wishing me a happy birthday. I recorded the voice mail for everyone to hear. Because I'm proud. Because Atom Willard called me. Not you.

Happy Birthday To Me

So for those of you that don't know me, my birthday is tomorrow. May 19th. I haven't really asked for much this year. There's not much I wanted. I got money to go to L.A. Noire's Midnight release this week. Sick game by the way. But any way. So yeah, my birthday is coming up and to be honest I really do not know what to except. Ofcourse, it can't be as bad as last years birthday. What happened you ask? Nothing. Well... I did do something. I spent the entire day fighting with the girl I was "with." There was no celebration, or party or anything. Just spend the entire day fighting.

But ofcourse, it wasn't all that bad. I did get an email that changed alot of things for me as well. And old friend who I haven't talked in a couple of years sent me an email, wishing me a Happy birthday. Ofcourse, this is what most of the fighting was about. The girl I was "with" hated it when I talked to other females. But ofcourse, she was an awesome friend of mine and I wasn't going to ignore her because one person didn't like her. So, after a days worth of fighting, on my birthday, I decided to call this long lost friend and see if she could save my birthday from total disaster. We met up at a bar, caught up on things with the past,and stayed in contact ever since then.

But yeah, that was last years birthday. This year I really do not know what to except, but this is what I know is happening.

Thursday, the actual day of my birthday, will be spent at my local bar playing trivia and getting hammered. My usual Thursday night. Oh, I also have work the morning of my birthday. Friday, I will have work in the morning as well. Then after work my Dad and I are going out for a birthday dinner. Probably at TGI Fridays. Saturday I have no idea what's happening. I was just told not to make plans that night, so I'm pretty sure something is happening that night. Sunday is a family dinner with my aunts and uncles and grandparents, and ofcourse Mom.

And, to top it all off, Atom Willard from Angels And Airwaves emailed me today asking for my cell phone number. I was talking to him a couple of days ago in a live video chat at AngelsandAirwaves.com. It's usually what they do to keep in touch with their fans. Just joking I told him I wanted to drink with him. He told me if I could send him proof that the 19th is actually my birthday, he would consider meeting up with me for a drink. I got an email from him today and he was asking for my cell phone number. So now I'm just sitting around waiting to hear from him to see when and where he wants to meet up for my birthday.

So yeah. That's my birthday plans for this year.

Frustration Settles In.

These past couple of days have been a very frustrating couple of days for me. It's just those moments where nothing seems to work out in your favor. I have people who won't talk to me, and won't tell me why they won't talk to me. That's one thing that I cannot stand. If there's something wrong and you refuse to talk it out with me. Problems won't get fixed if you ignore them. And then I don't understand how you can turn around and be mad at me because you won't even give me the chance to fix what ever is wrong. How am I supposed to know anything is wrong if you won't tell me anything is wrong and how am I supposed to fix it if you won't even give me the time to fix it. But that's just one thing.... And it's not happening with one person. There are several people involved in this. Some are minor things, and some are major.... Or atleast, I assume since no one wants to fill me in.

And, on another note, I'm pretty sure I've destroyed an amazing friendship with a friend. Not too long ago I said somethings to this person... Somethings I now realize should have never been said because now things have been destroyed, and I don't see them getting fixed any time soon. I didn't even say anything hurtful. The only thing I did was let my true feelings come out and it got completely shot down. Yes, I was down and out for awhile, being hurt what not, but what normal human being wouldn't be hurt when they tell some one how much they love them and the other person can only say no. Points were made very clear that the past is gone and most likely never even existed to the other person. But I moved on from that. I'm over it, and I'm moving on.

This is exactly what I was afraid of happening. The complete opposite of what I wanted. All I wanted to do was get closer to this person, and here I am getting farther and farther away from them each day. It's one of those things where there's nothing I can do about it either.

To be honest, the one thing I have learned from this situation is to never tell some one EXACTLY how you feel. If you have feelings for some one, just tell them alittle bit of it and see what happens. If you get accepted, awesome tell them alittle more. If you get shot down, your friendship won't be destroyed because of the feelings you.

Breathe...

To love some one who doesn't love you back is kinda like being awake during surgery. There's nothing you can do, but to lay there and take the pain until it's over. You can't stop it, and you can't make it go away. The best you can do it just pray that it will be over before you know it.

Some people would probably question me about the situation that I am currently in. If I were to explain it to anyone outside of the circle, I'd probably receive a weird look from them. But to be honest, I don't think I would change a thing.

In my younger years, I've done some stupid things. But nothing that I regret doing. Everything that I've done in my past has made me who I am today. And honestly, I really enjoy the person that I am today. Sure, I can be an asshole. I can be emotional. I can be brutally honest, and I can be I lair. But, I am me. And I am willing to put money down that you will never find another person who is like me. Whether that is a good thing, or a bad thing, I haven't decided. I can the listening ear that people need. I'm usually pretty good at giving advice and I am completely horrible at listening to my own words, and taking others people advice. When it comes to my problems, I usually tend to ignore other people, and continue to believe that things will work out in my favor. Most of the time, it ends works out for me. That's just the kind of luck I have.

But that's what I'm writing this blog about. I'm here to stay that I am standing my ground and crossing my fingers in hopes that maybe once, things will work out in my favor. Call me crazy or whatever you will because it seems to me that I am seeing something that no one else is.

But I'm standing my ground because it's what I want. I am willing to go through whatever pain comes my way, and I willing to go through and argument it may bring. I'm willing to go through anything it takes. There's nothing I've really wanted more then this goal... And it even surprises me that I will fight this hard for it. I don't think I've ever been this stubborn about anything else. But I guess that's part of what I'm feeling.

Then, on the other side of the coin, there is only so much that I can do. This isn't a mission that I can do alone. If it's not accepted by other people, not only does it make it harder on my end, but it can make it impossible to actually complete. But if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And I would rather fail with knowing that I've tried and it didn't work out, instead of sitting on the sidelines watching, and wondering what could have happened.... Who knows how long it could it, assuming that it would....

If things stay the same, I would go along with the road that says it wouldn't work. But to be honest, that' not that road I want to take, so that's the road I refuse to even look down. In my eyes it doesn't exist....

That's the beauty of love... You can't control it. You don't know where it takes you, and you can't fight it. Once it's there, it's not easy to get rid of. It's impossible to wake up and just say it's gone.

And on the other side of the coin (yes this is a three sided coin, big deal want to fight about it?), That's also what is making me think it's not going to work out. Because it's there. But it's there for some one else. And I know what it's like to suffer and watch it go to some one who's not you. It makes you want it more, and it can also break you down.

Love is a game changer. You don't get to decide who get's to win and who get's to lose. The only thing you can do, is go out, try your hardest and hope you win. To not try is pointless. The more pain you go through, the better the victory it will be.

This is a victory I want, more then anything...And I want to do anything to get it. But the question I am facing now, is will I try to get it. Can I change the mind of another person? Can I change the lives of mine and the other?

I can't answer any thing. The only thing I can do, is never stop loving. And that's what I will do. I will never stop loving. Because I never did.

To Dream To Feel.

I stood in the moonlight, looking at her silhouette with the city’s skyline behind her. She turned to look at me with a smile on her face. When she turned, time seemed to slow down. Everything went quiet, And my heart began to race. My palms began to sweat, and my breathing increased. She looked into my eyes, and I lost my breath. Butterflies began to fill my stomach with every step she took towards me. Before I knew it, she was standing right in front of me. Her hands were playing with my belt loops, and she began to wrap her arms around my waist. She pulled me in close, and she pulled me in tight. She buried her head into my chest. I think she could hear my heartbeat because she began to giggle.

“Relax,” she said. “Why are you so nervous?”
For a moment I paused and didn’t know how to respond. Then finally it all came out. “I can’t help but to be nervous around you. Every time I see you, the butterflies begin to go crazy. Every day I see you, I feel like a school boy whose crush talked to him for the first time. It’s been years, but I still get nervous just looking at you. To look into your eyes is like looking into heaven. To hear the words you speak is like listening to an angel sing. To see you cry is like feeling a part of me has died. To feel the feeling of love towards you, is like feeling heaven is here on earth. With me. To be with you is to know that there’s nothing to worry about.”
Things got quiet. I felt I said something I shouldn’t have. For a split second, she looked up at me and the moon filled her eyes. I noticed she had a tear drop from one of them. I put my hands on her face, and wipe away her tears with my thumbs. No words were spoken. For a moment, we just looked at each other, staring into each other’s eyes. And finally it happened. She pulled herself into my face and her lips touched my lips. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I felt her pull me in and she pressed herself up against my body.
Then I heard a loud noise. It was my alarm clock. Then I woke up. Laying in bed. Staring at the ceiling. I thought to myself “In your dreams.” Rolled over and stared at my clock. Dragged myself out of my bed and forced myself to go through the day as if the dream never happened. But never forgetting the feelings I felt in that dream, in hopes one day the dream would become a reality, and those feelings would return to me.