So, for those of you that don't know what happened, I recently got jumped walking home from my local bar. I was around 11:30, I think... I was walking by myself when these dudes walked up to me. I was stressed out beyond belief, so I asked them for a cigarette. Yes, I know, I quit smoking. It's been 8 weeks. But I was stressed and drunk so it sounded like a good idea. They gave me one, and demanded I give them weed for the cigarette. I don't smoke weed, so I didn't have any. They didn't like the idea of not getting anything in return. One of the guys stepped up and got into my face threatening to whoop my ass and kept saying I thought he was stupid. While guy one was in my face, the other guy pushed me from behind. I stumbled forward and as I was stumbling forward, guy one threw a punch. There was a moment where it felt like time stopped and I wasn't sure what happened. Then there just started wailing on me. I don't know how many blows to the head I took. I think this all happened in a matter of like 5 seconds. But it felt like it lasted for 5 hours.
They eventually just walked away throwing insults at me. I kinda just sat there for a second and wasn't quit sure what happened. Then it clicked. I just got my ass kicked.
So, I'm sitting here now with a swollen eye and a fat shiner.
I got me thinking... What the fuck did I do so wrong? I mean, like what does bad shit happen to me? I try my best to be the best person that I can be. I look out for my friends and family and I'm working on turning my life around and being a better person and literally out of no where, this happens. Why did I have to get my ass kicked? I never did anything to anyone. Sure, I may lose my temper some times but who doesn't?
If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason for my beating?
Friday, December 24, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The Adventure
Picture yourself standing ontop of a cliff. Looking down below you, waves from the ocean are crashing... Clouds have rolled in and covered the sky. You can't tell where the ocean ends. The sun is trying it's hardest to warm the skin on your face as it slowly begins to set. To your left, you see a flag pole with a torn flag gently blowing in the wind. To your right, there's an empty cabin, looking at the sun set with you. You turn around and see a forest. The sky behind you is dark, and the stars are one by one, begining to shine. You look back at the ocean. The sky is still lit up, but the sun is gone.
Rain slowly begins to fall down. You close your eyes, and tilt your head up to the sky. The cold rain drops on your face and you exhale the cool smell of rain into your lungs. You get chills and a cool breeze gently pushes you towards to edge of the cliff. You extend your arms out from your sides, as if your were trying to reach the flag pole to your left and the cabin to your right. One more deep breath inside and you take one step closer to the edge. The wind picks up, you get more chills. You open your eyes and look back out into the ocean. The sky is now dark. the sun has disppeared and you see lights out in the distant from ships.
You take another step closer to the edge, the clouds begin to clear more and more. The stars are starting to show, and look down on you. You take another step forward. You're so close to the edge, your toes are hanging off the ledge. You can feel tiny rocks slide out from under your feet. You take one last breath in. You hold it for a moment. A gust of wind pushes you and you are now falling. The ocean gets closer and closer with every second. You close your eyes.
You fill the wind pick up, faster and faster. You can hear nothing at this point, except the wind flying past you. Your eyes are closed as tight as they can be. You're breathing heavy. You realize you've been falling for far too long. Open your eyes and realize you are not falling. You are flying. You suddenly feel very warm, and let out a giant smile. You can't help but to start laughing. You laugh harder and harder and louder and louder. You begin to dance and you quickly fly over the ocean. Dipping your fingers into the sea and the creatures under water watching zip past them with lightning like speeds.
A light in the distance catches your eye. You focus on the light, and with all your might, bring your self into it's direction. You continue to dance over the ocean as the light gets brighter and brighter. You now realize this one light has broken into many smaller lights.
Rain slowly begins to fall down. You close your eyes, and tilt your head up to the sky. The cold rain drops on your face and you exhale the cool smell of rain into your lungs. You get chills and a cool breeze gently pushes you towards to edge of the cliff. You extend your arms out from your sides, as if your were trying to reach the flag pole to your left and the cabin to your right. One more deep breath inside and you take one step closer to the edge. The wind picks up, you get more chills. You open your eyes and look back out into the ocean. The sky is now dark. the sun has disppeared and you see lights out in the distant from ships.
You take another step closer to the edge, the clouds begin to clear more and more. The stars are starting to show, and look down on you. You take another step forward. You're so close to the edge, your toes are hanging off the ledge. You can feel tiny rocks slide out from under your feet. You take one last breath in. You hold it for a moment. A gust of wind pushes you and you are now falling. The ocean gets closer and closer with every second. You close your eyes.
You fill the wind pick up, faster and faster. You can hear nothing at this point, except the wind flying past you. Your eyes are closed as tight as they can be. You're breathing heavy. You realize you've been falling for far too long. Open your eyes and realize you are not falling. You are flying. You suddenly feel very warm, and let out a giant smile. You can't help but to start laughing. You laugh harder and harder and louder and louder. You begin to dance and you quickly fly over the ocean. Dipping your fingers into the sea and the creatures under water watching zip past them with lightning like speeds.
A light in the distance catches your eye. You focus on the light, and with all your might, bring your self into it's direction. You continue to dance over the ocean as the light gets brighter and brighter. You now realize this one light has broken into many smaller lights.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Where Was Mine?
So, a couple of days ago I was at my local bar, drinking and having a good time. Everything was going great. I was happy, I had a beer, a big smile on my face and surrounded by my friends. In a matter of seconds, my smile was wiped off my face and I was filled with rage. I suddenly became angry. Ready to snap. 2 Marines came walking into the bar with their family. The bartender was feeding the Marines and their families free drinks because these two men, not a couple months older then me, just came home from a tour in Iraq. They were celebrating. They survived a war and made it home in one piece. They watched men die in front of them and probably killed some in the process.
How in the world can anyone be mad at something like this you ask? I tried to come up with lies to cover up the real reason. I tried to convince myself that these boys were boasting about what they have done. I tried to convince myself it was just a game to them. A game they won at. I tried to convince myself that they didn't take what they just did seriously. That wasn't true. It wasn't until now, I finally realized why I was so upset. I figured out when I was angry to see men my own age engage the entire bar into their celebration of making it home. I was angry because I never had that.
I got nothing.
When I got out of the Navy, I drove over 3,000 miles in 3 1/2 days. I slept in the back seat of car in truck stops in random states through out the country. Cramped in the back seat of my car, curled up in a little ball, under a jacket that was being used as a blanket, I was laying there knowing I was going to be home soon.
I finally arrived home. I pulled up to the front of my house. I put my car in park and I stared at my front door. I saw my dad come out to greet me. Leaving my things in the car, I got out and greeted him too. We hugged eachother and even cried alittle. Talked about how much we missed eachother and said how glad we both were that I was finally home. And that was it. Soon after I got home, he left for work.
I drove 3,000 miles after a couple of years of being cross country, and months of being at sea.... To sit in an empty house all alone. And that was my welcome home.
After unpacking my things from my car, and greeting my pets, I called friend from down the street and told him I was home for good. We came over, we smoked weed then went into my house and played Xbox. That was my welcoming party.
Tonight, I realized that I was upset with those men at the bar, not because they were proud of what the accomplished... Because any human being would be. And any human being should be. I was upset because no one celebrated when I returned home. There was no party. There was no gathering. No free drinks, loud cheering, no one told me how proud of me they were. It was me, sitting alone in an empty house.
After that, it was like I never left home. Things carried on as if I never left. Sure people asked questions. But when I tried to share stories, it was like no one cared. No one celebrated my arrival home. And no one wanted to hear what happened.
I think about the Navy everyday. Wondering if I should still be in. Or wondering if getting out was really the right idea. Sometimes I wonder if I should have ever come home.
Now please, do not get me wrong. I am super glad to be home and I love all of my friends to death. I don't know what I would be doing with out them right now. I feel lucky to see my friends on a daily basis, and I feel lucky to have the friends around that I do. I know my friends love and care for me. I know this because I see it every day. When I talk to them and just by being around them.
But sometimes I wonder.... What if I stayed in? If I stayed in, would I have had a celebration? Even when I came home on leave, there was no going away party for me. There was just goodbyes. There was no welcome home party when I was on leave or even when I got out. There was greetings and there was goodbyes.
There was no celebration. There was nothing. And that's why I was pissed off at the Marines. Because they walked into my bar and had what I wanted so badly and threw it in my face.
I just wanted to hear my friends and family tell me how proud of me they are and I wanted celebration of my arrival home.
Sometimes, you don't always get what you wish for. Life goes on.
How in the world can anyone be mad at something like this you ask? I tried to come up with lies to cover up the real reason. I tried to convince myself that these boys were boasting about what they have done. I tried to convince myself it was just a game to them. A game they won at. I tried to convince myself that they didn't take what they just did seriously. That wasn't true. It wasn't until now, I finally realized why I was so upset. I figured out when I was angry to see men my own age engage the entire bar into their celebration of making it home. I was angry because I never had that.
I got nothing.
When I got out of the Navy, I drove over 3,000 miles in 3 1/2 days. I slept in the back seat of car in truck stops in random states through out the country. Cramped in the back seat of my car, curled up in a little ball, under a jacket that was being used as a blanket, I was laying there knowing I was going to be home soon.
I finally arrived home. I pulled up to the front of my house. I put my car in park and I stared at my front door. I saw my dad come out to greet me. Leaving my things in the car, I got out and greeted him too. We hugged eachother and even cried alittle. Talked about how much we missed eachother and said how glad we both were that I was finally home. And that was it. Soon after I got home, he left for work.
I drove 3,000 miles after a couple of years of being cross country, and months of being at sea.... To sit in an empty house all alone. And that was my welcome home.
After unpacking my things from my car, and greeting my pets, I called friend from down the street and told him I was home for good. We came over, we smoked weed then went into my house and played Xbox. That was my welcoming party.
Tonight, I realized that I was upset with those men at the bar, not because they were proud of what the accomplished... Because any human being would be. And any human being should be. I was upset because no one celebrated when I returned home. There was no party. There was no gathering. No free drinks, loud cheering, no one told me how proud of me they were. It was me, sitting alone in an empty house.
After that, it was like I never left home. Things carried on as if I never left. Sure people asked questions. But when I tried to share stories, it was like no one cared. No one celebrated my arrival home. And no one wanted to hear what happened.
I think about the Navy everyday. Wondering if I should still be in. Or wondering if getting out was really the right idea. Sometimes I wonder if I should have ever come home.
Now please, do not get me wrong. I am super glad to be home and I love all of my friends to death. I don't know what I would be doing with out them right now. I feel lucky to see my friends on a daily basis, and I feel lucky to have the friends around that I do. I know my friends love and care for me. I know this because I see it every day. When I talk to them and just by being around them.
But sometimes I wonder.... What if I stayed in? If I stayed in, would I have had a celebration? Even when I came home on leave, there was no going away party for me. There was just goodbyes. There was no welcome home party when I was on leave or even when I got out. There was greetings and there was goodbyes.
There was no celebration. There was nothing. And that's why I was pissed off at the Marines. Because they walked into my bar and had what I wanted so badly and threw it in my face.
I just wanted to hear my friends and family tell me how proud of me they are and I wanted celebration of my arrival home.
Sometimes, you don't always get what you wish for. Life goes on.
Neglected?
I feel like I've totally ignored this blog. I think I'm going to start posting a song of the day here.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I've had nothing to say these past couple of days. Alot has been happening. And I mean ALOT. I wish I could say what's been going on, but it's alittle bit private. I think I can count on one hand the people who know everything that's going on.
But enough of that. Christmas time is coming, and it's coming quick. I have to figure out how I'm going to get Christmas gifts this year.... Money's running out and it looks like nothing's coming in for who knows how long.
I've applied to over 10 different places and not a single place has called me back. No one wants to hire me because I have no experience. I have no experience because no one will hire me. It's a pretty vicious circle that never ends.
It's like, as soon as I'm able to finally take a breath, something knocks the wind back out of me. It's beginning to become a real pain in the ass. But hey, isn't that what life is? Just a big pain in the ass. I know things will turn around, and I'm hoping that it's gonna be soon. It's just one of those feelings you have when you know something's going to happen, but you just don't know what, or when...
Well, fingers crossed to hoping that something good happens and happens soon.
Bye, I'm going to go back to watching Whip It. Ellen Page doesn't know it, but we are going to get married sometime soon. Maybe that's the good feeling I'm having.
Peace and love and all that shitty Christmas saying stuff to make you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Love Dann.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I've had nothing to say these past couple of days. Alot has been happening. And I mean ALOT. I wish I could say what's been going on, but it's alittle bit private. I think I can count on one hand the people who know everything that's going on.
But enough of that. Christmas time is coming, and it's coming quick. I have to figure out how I'm going to get Christmas gifts this year.... Money's running out and it looks like nothing's coming in for who knows how long.
I've applied to over 10 different places and not a single place has called me back. No one wants to hire me because I have no experience. I have no experience because no one will hire me. It's a pretty vicious circle that never ends.
It's like, as soon as I'm able to finally take a breath, something knocks the wind back out of me. It's beginning to become a real pain in the ass. But hey, isn't that what life is? Just a big pain in the ass. I know things will turn around, and I'm hoping that it's gonna be soon. It's just one of those feelings you have when you know something's going to happen, but you just don't know what, or when...
Well, fingers crossed to hoping that something good happens and happens soon.
Bye, I'm going to go back to watching Whip It. Ellen Page doesn't know it, but we are going to get married sometime soon. Maybe that's the good feeling I'm having.
Peace and love and all that shitty Christmas saying stuff to make you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Love Dann.
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