So, a couple of days ago I was at my local bar, drinking and having a good time. Everything was going great. I was happy, I had a beer, a big smile on my face and surrounded by my friends. In a matter of seconds, my smile was wiped off my face and I was filled with rage. I suddenly became angry. Ready to snap. 2 Marines came walking into the bar with their family. The bartender was feeding the Marines and their families free drinks because these two men, not a couple months older then me, just came home from a tour in Iraq. They were celebrating. They survived a war and made it home in one piece. They watched men die in front of them and probably killed some in the process.
How in the world can anyone be mad at something like this you ask? I tried to come up with lies to cover up the real reason. I tried to convince myself that these boys were boasting about what they have done. I tried to convince myself it was just a game to them. A game they won at. I tried to convince myself that they didn't take what they just did seriously. That wasn't true. It wasn't until now, I finally realized why I was so upset. I figured out when I was angry to see men my own age engage the entire bar into their celebration of making it home. I was angry because I never had that.
I got nothing.
When I got out of the Navy, I drove over 3,000 miles in 3 1/2 days. I slept in the back seat of car in truck stops in random states through out the country. Cramped in the back seat of my car, curled up in a little ball, under a jacket that was being used as a blanket, I was laying there knowing I was going to be home soon.
I finally arrived home. I pulled up to the front of my house. I put my car in park and I stared at my front door. I saw my dad come out to greet me. Leaving my things in the car, I got out and greeted him too. We hugged eachother and even cried alittle. Talked about how much we missed eachother and said how glad we both were that I was finally home. And that was it. Soon after I got home, he left for work.
I drove 3,000 miles after a couple of years of being cross country, and months of being at sea.... To sit in an empty house all alone. And that was my welcome home.
After unpacking my things from my car, and greeting my pets, I called friend from down the street and told him I was home for good. We came over, we smoked weed then went into my house and played Xbox. That was my welcoming party.
Tonight, I realized that I was upset with those men at the bar, not because they were proud of what the accomplished... Because any human being would be. And any human being should be. I was upset because no one celebrated when I returned home. There was no party. There was no gathering. No free drinks, loud cheering, no one told me how proud of me they were. It was me, sitting alone in an empty house.
After that, it was like I never left home. Things carried on as if I never left. Sure people asked questions. But when I tried to share stories, it was like no one cared. No one celebrated my arrival home. And no one wanted to hear what happened.
I think about the Navy everyday. Wondering if I should still be in. Or wondering if getting out was really the right idea. Sometimes I wonder if I should have ever come home.
Now please, do not get me wrong. I am super glad to be home and I love all of my friends to death. I don't know what I would be doing with out them right now. I feel lucky to see my friends on a daily basis, and I feel lucky to have the friends around that I do. I know my friends love and care for me. I know this because I see it every day. When I talk to them and just by being around them.
But sometimes I wonder.... What if I stayed in? If I stayed in, would I have had a celebration? Even when I came home on leave, there was no going away party for me. There was just goodbyes. There was no welcome home party when I was on leave or even when I got out. There was greetings and there was goodbyes.
There was no celebration. There was nothing. And that's why I was pissed off at the Marines. Because they walked into my bar and had what I wanted so badly and threw it in my face.
I just wanted to hear my friends and family tell me how proud of me they are and I wanted celebration of my arrival home.
Sometimes, you don't always get what you wish for. Life goes on.
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