This is really starting to get out of hand... I'm trying so hard to turn my life around and become a better person then the one who I used to be. I've taken all these steps in life to move up higher, but I knew something would come around to take me back down to rock bottom. For once I just want a fucking break and to stop pulling the hairs out of my head.
I want to go to bed before 2AM. I want to get more the 5 hours of sleep at night. I'm getting tired of looking over my shoulder whenever I leave my house, and I'm getting sick of watching my review mirror. I hate of having that fear of nothing being able to go home at the end of the day. I hate being paranoid whenever some one comes to my door and think "this is it."
This was not my fault what so ever but I'm paying for it now. I'm getting punished for something I didn't do. I seriously thought this stupid bullshit was over with and I was finally going to have nothing to stress over. Even just hearing a car drive down the street grabs my attention. I hate this. I just want a fucking normal life. Most 22 year old kids don't have to deal with the shit that I have to go through. Like seriously, I thought everything was great. I've been job hunting, stopped smoking, treated my friends better, treated my family better, controlled my anger even with the lack of nicotine. All of my bills are paid for for the rest of the year. Things were going great. I thought I could finally sleep at night and not toss and turn and stare into the darkness for hours.
Sometimes I think of just jumping shit and leaving town. Sometimes I just want to pack my shit up, throw it all into the trunk of my car, get onto the freeway and drive. Just to go. I gave up that dream though, to make everything better. I could have usually used that money to take a train halfway across the country. But I used it all to pay my bills and help around the house. I stopped thinking about what I wanted to do and focused on what I needed to do.
It's like, I have always have this constant thought floating around my head, always over powering my conscience just telling me "you fucked up."
It's that it's always been. My entire life. I do something good and it get canceled out by something bad.
Honestly, if I wasn't so far from the California boarder, I'd probably be spending the weekend at some hotel out of state. Just to clear my head, to be away from my problems and to think things through. I'd have to prepare myself for the next couple of days, because honestly I do not know what is about to happen to me in the next, what... 48 hours? Things are about to get interesting. For good or bad, something is about to happen.
And for those of you thinking I'm going to do something stupid like hurt myself or anything even close to that, tell me your first and last name so I can remove all contact with you for being so fucking stupid.
Deonte Edmond <---- first and last name.
ReplyDeletelol Anyway, why are you looking over your shoulder? Paranoid or are you living in a dangerous neighborhood?
And let me tell you something, gurlfriend: If someone thinks that you might do something drastic like harming yourself when you show signs of deep depression, they are not stupid..they're concerned. You want to treat your friends/family/people better, assure them that you aren't the kind of person who would take THAT sort of drastic measure. Don't call them stupid.
Oh! Also, I'm glad you're quitting smoking. Last time I saw you, you had like a thousand packs of cigs in your bag.
ReplyDeleteThat shit ain't cute, yo!
For the record, I'm not suffering from depression. If I made it sound like, it probably has something to do with being up since 8, and it was 1AM when I wrote that.
ReplyDeleteI'm perfectly, just not with my current situation.
Danno I'm having trouble wiht insomnia too. I know it's only been two days but taking St. John's Wart and B12 has made all the difference. I'm not stressing as much so it's a tiny bit easier to fall asleep. I can't give you a permanat fix and I know the feeling of just wanting to get away from everything so I guess I can just say I'm here if you want to rant or if you need me to help you with anything.
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